When we meet people for the first time, we often are not sure how to start off conversation to have a meaningful conversation. We often go through small talk which is dreadful for everyone involved.

Remember all of those times you are in middle of a conversation and an awkward silence breaks loose? Both of you are internally panicking as you both say “um” and “uh” as you try to find something to continue your conversation.

In this situation people would often think that conversation was bad because the other person was kinda dry, or the general topic wasn’t interesting. Usually we think that it is the immediate previous thought that lead to both of us experiencing an awkward silence.

Even though you think this, it is far from reality (in most cases). In reality the reason you ended up with awkward silence is because you had a bad conversation starter, the small talk usually to more uninteresting things to talk about and eventually you reach a point where conversation doesn’t even make sense to continue.

This all starts with “Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?” The one line that we say at the start of every conversation.

Whether you are the one asking or the one on the receiving end of that question, everyone usually has something to say. This could be their interests, projects they have been working on, favorite shows, etc.

It can often be very difficult to continue on conversation after the other person reciprocates the same question as it feels like you have nothing to say. You reach a point of awkward mental panic as you not really sure how to proceed about your conversation.

After stringing together some “hums” and hahs” to fill the silence you finally start talking about the whether (really? the whether? That is the best you can come up with?).

The problem here is that both people were disengaged from the start. You followed convention and never really thought about how to proceed within a conversation.

Taking a step back and looking at the question you just asked. “Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?” That is a terrible question. Why?

To understand, think of yourself every time you answer that question. “I am a {insert grade} and I like to {insert interest}…”

You already know what your answer is before you are asked that question and vice-versa. As you answer the question you lack the enthusiasm to seem like you are interested in your own words. To be honest, I would lack the enthusiasm if I had to repeat the same answer time and time again.

Not to mention to mention that absolutely nobody is interested what grade you are in, it doesn’t mean anything, it is content that tells the other person absolutely nothing about you.

Both of you become bored and disengaged from the start as both of you just dumped some things you would normally put in your bio that both of you don’t really care for.

The problem here is not the answer that you (or they gave), it is the question that was asked was terrible.

Imagine a scenario where you don’t ask a question at all, then there is nothing to prompt an answer. Questions are what give the other person the parameters for the answer. You questions dictate the answer that you get.

“So…What is conversation starting question then?”

Answer: Who Is You?

Really? That is the magic question? These are probably some of your thoughts as you take a look at this question, and I already know that you have some concerns regarding this question, so I decided to address to express why this question is so powerful.

Concern #1

Is that not the exact same thing as “Tell me a bit about yourself”? Won’t they end up just using the same 2 lines that we would get from the first question?

The difference with this question is that the purpose of the question is changed. Instead of asking for a quick description as if it was a government official. You really look into who that person is, not what they do. You look at what makes someone who they are.

This way you are diving past small talk and you get into deeper layer of conversation.

As a first reaction people tend to take a second to think because this is a question they have not been asked before. People usually mention “I was not prepared for this.” That question woke them up from their sleepy state (metaphorically) and just made them extremely interested in what you have to say.

Imagine that, from a single question, you went from “random person” to the “I wanna talk to them person.”

Concern #2:

Why don’t you ask “Who are you”? It is the same thing and it makes more sense grammatically.

Even though it is grammatically wrong, “Who is you?” is a better question because you are asking what does it mean to be {insert person’s name}.

“Who is you?” is different from “Who are you?” through the manner the question it is proposed. When you use “are,” the implication suggests that something is wrong with you, or that you have been deceiving of some sort, which is a message that doesn’t look too good when you first talk to someone.

TL;DR

Ask “Who is you?” at the start of conversations and avoid questions that cause people to be disengaged.